The Silence of the Churches
by MattyMurdocks
Summary: AU. Matt's life always been hard but after pushing everyone away, he realize he need help to finally move on.
1. Chapter 1

_**Chapter one**_

Fear, guilt, shame. Since the past few months he couldn't think about something else.

No matter how hard Matt try to move forward, he was still stuck in the past. The memories never fade, the last months prove it right.

His brain never erase the pain. Sometimes he was glad to be blind so he couldn't see the marks that strews his body. However he can feel them. Every time he brushed the tip of his fingers against those scars, it was like he relived the moments again and again.

The rage, the anger, Matt had trouble hold back those feelings inside him. He once told his priest, he believed he had the devil in him. He could feel it, in his bones, in his heart, his soul. He was afraid to lose control over his body. He was afraid of himself.

He is not a saint is not a sinner. His ex girlfriend told him he was a martyr, that he will end up bloody and alone, that he should let people in, let someone help him. He didn't and she left. Claire, her name was Claire.

She was tired of his behavior with her, tired to not understand what was wrong with him, tired of being rejected every time she tried to touch him. Matt never turn her down before. He always enjoyed the feeling of her hands against his skin. But this was before the memories come back. Of course there was a reason however he never told her. He never told her about the scars either.

When she left she did say that she would always be there for him, he could knock at her door at three in the morning she would answer. She was a saint.

After she broke up with him he started pushing Foggy away. He met him in college, law school. When they graduate they opened a small law firm together. They were good together. He was his only friend. His family, his brother. Yet he didn't stop. And one day he screwed up. During a trial he let the devil out. They lost the case and Foggy told him it was over. There was no more Nelson and Murdock. Like Claire he was tired of his behavior. He remembered that she once told him _"Keep pushing us away and you are really going to end up alone. Don't you understand that you hurt us ?"_ She was right. In less than a years he had lost everything. His girlfriend, his best friend and his job.

Here he was lying alone in his bed, too afraid to fall asleep. Matt sit at the edge of his bed trying to ignore the stabbing pain on his back.

"This is in your head, this is in your head." He murmured a few times for himself. "It's not real."

After a moment he slides in his shower. The hot water running down his skin slowly relaxed him. He breathe loudly trying to clear his mind.

He couldn't tell how long he stayed here, all he knew is that when he get out. he still felt dirty. He could scrub his skin for hours, yet this wouldn't change anything.

In the early morning he dressed himself with a black pants, blue shirt and a black jacket but no tie. It been a long time since his last visit at the church. However he already missed mass, but all he wanted was to sit on a bench. He put his glasses on his nose took his cane in his hand and left his apartment.

It's hot oustide and he was in the church since a moment now and it's still hot. Matt hated summer. He was sweating, his shirt was soaked and he felt even more dirty.

A strange feeling grown in him slowly. He feel safe here, vulnerable like he never was before. This was weird but right now despite the heat he feel good.

A loud breath came out of his throat. For the first time in months his mind was clear, he wasn't thinking about anything. No pain, no anger, no shame, no guilt. He was relieved.

When he left the church he heard a female voice behind his back. "Excuse me, are you Matthew Murdock ?" Matt nodded slowly facing her.

"I'm Karen Page from the Bulletin I..." She said but he cut her off before she could explain him anything.

"If this is about the trial..."

"Not it's..." The woman stop for moment trying to find the right words. Matt moved his head a little smiling. "I write an article about...how the church keep the silence about what happened at st Agnes"

His smile disappear at the second he heard the name. Suddenly the memories hit him, it was like a punch in the face. He tightened firmly his hands around his cane, trying calm himself down.

"I...how...you..." He stuttered, his voice shaking. "I read about that." He said more calm this time. "But Nelson and Murdock never worked on this case. I'm afraid I can't help you Miss Page."

Before he had the chance to walking away from her, she placed her hand on his arm holding him back. Matt tense in surprise.

"I'm trying to expose the truth Mister Murdock." She said softly as she let him go. "People need to know what happened in St Agnes, they need to know the church still keeps silent." She then put a card in his hand. "It's in braille. Call me."


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter two**_

Depression, for Matt it was like he was trapped somewhere and every time he pushed a door there was another one behind. He has the feeling to live in a vicious circle, always turning around, searching for a way out he still haven't found. Since he left St Agnes, his life was a quest. Matt was searching for answers about who he really is. Most of the time he is lost, mainly because the questions stay unanswerable. At the beginning he buried those feelings deep inside him believing that someday he we will be able to talk.

For all those years he hide this secret. This silence was like a cancer that kills him slowly. How do you say no to god ? How could you possibly reject him ? Maybe that's the reason why he never say a word, or maybe because he swear on the Bible. During all this time he though he would betrayed god if he ever talk. But now he understand. Those men aren't worthy to be called "Men of Gods." They are the ones who betrayed God in the first place.

Suddenly he thought about her. He wanted to call her, hear her voice but it's been nearly a year since he last saw her. Before he could think about something else he was already standing in front of her apartment. He knock and the door opens. A loud sight came out in front of him.

"Matt ?" Her voice was calm but he could tell she wasn't happy to see him. She clearly didn't miss him. "Come in." She sight putting her hand on his shoulder but he step back.

"What are you doing here ?" She ask him as they walk through her living room.

"You said...you said I could come anytime" He replied adjusting his glasses. "I would understand if you want me to leave."

"Don't be stupid. What's going on Matt ?" Her voice was soft. How she could be so nice with him ?

Matt reached the couch with his hands and sit in silence. He opened his mouth but no sound came out. All of a sudden he was unable to speak. He rubbed the back of his neck hoping to be able pull himself together soon. At the moment he felt his heart pounding loudly against his chest he knew. For one of the first time in his life he was on the verge to break. All his attempts to repulse his feelings failed when a tear rolled down his cheek.

"Matt talk to me."

"I can't...I can't." He breath wiping his cheek. How could he be so selfish. Coming at her apartment and not saying anything. He wanted to confess. And finally remove the weight he carries on his shoulders. This cross he bears for so long now. What if he was just too loose to say it out loud. What if he couldn't admit this because he felt guilty, because he still think this is his fault. He might talk about the burns on his skin, but that would be all.

"Matt, please tell me what's going on." Her voice was soft and she was close. To close, he could even feel her breath on his neck. It was too much. So he got up from the couch panting heavily.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come. I'm sorry." And with those words he left. The faster that he could. Claire tried to stop him, she called his name in vain. Matt didn't turn back.

He wander in the streets for a while without any goal. As he walked, drops of sweat dripped along his spine until they find his lower back and settle there. He felt disgusting.

On the way back home he felt the card in his pocket. For a moment, he considered the idea of calling her. Matt didn't bother to. Because he knew he wouldn't be able to talk on the phone. When he push the door of the bulletin, he ask for Karen Page. And he sat in silence waiting for her.

"No." He murmured shaking his head as he got up.

"Mister Murdock ?" It wasn't Karen Page, her voice wasn't the same.

"Yeah." He was now facing her.

"I'm Elektra Natchios." She said softly. "Are you ready ?"

"Yeah." He whispered and let her voice guide him through the office. She opened a door and close it behind him. At the moment he stepped in the room he regrets it.. Why was he here ?

"Thank you for coming. I'm Ben Urich, and you already met..."

"I don't know why I came here." Matt admit under his breath.

"This silence need to stop Mister Murdock and..."

"And I need to move on." When the words passed his lips he instantly regrets it. Once again he was selfish. How could he think he was the only one ? How could he be so selfish ?

"I can't." His voice cracked. Suddenly he felt weak, naked. Like those people in front of him could read in him like an open book. He swallow hart trying to pull himself together, trying to stay strong.

"Look, I know it's hard..."

"How could you ?" He said harshly, raising his voice. "How could you possibly know what I feel ?"

"You right we don't. But you do Matthew." Elektra told him, slowly laying her hand on his shoulder. Despite how he hated contact he didn't move. But he wasn't tense or frozen in place, he was relaxed. It was strange. He breath loudly, closing his eyes behind his glasses. Of course he knew he wasn't ready to admit the unmentionable words. Will he ever be ? Religion always been important for Matt. It's like a part him. And no matter how hard he will tried to convince himself, deep down in him he will always have the feeling of betraying god. He will never forgot what the priest told him "This is between you, me and God Matty. No one else need to know. This is our secret."

"Matty" Matt said after a little while, a smile of disgust on his lips. "That's...you know...how...how he called me." He explained clearing his throat.

Maybe the time as come for Matt to face his demons.

* * *

 ** _Tell me your thoughts._**


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